We parents want our children to be able to make it in this world without us, but not yet.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close tells the story of what happens when a child has to make do without a parent much too soon.

On September 11, 2001,when an odd young boy (Oskar Schell, played by the Oscar-snubbed Thomas Horn) loses his devoted father (Thomas Schell, played by the Oscar-laden Tom Hanks. Whew.  still with me?) he also temporarily loses his lifeline to the the better parts of himself.

You see, Oskar’s father had been an unusually good father to an unusually quirky son, even by Hollywood standards.  This is a dad who had countered his son’s dysfunctional levels of introversion with demands for scavenging skills. Skills like conversation. And eye contact. With strangers.  The senior Schell turned obsessionality into resourcefulness.  He hocus pocus-ed perseveration into dedication.  The dad converted his son’s likely Asperger’s diagnosis into self-esteem and self-compassion.

Young Oskar’s father had died with a couple of riddles yet unspoken.  But as in every parent’s eulogistic fantasy, the dad’s influence whispers from the grave:  Oskar finds a key and a clue inside a vase in his father’s belongings.  Thus the boy’s not-so-mythical — but characteristically methodical  – journey of individuation begins.  When Oskar sets out to find the lock (somewhere in the five boroughs) that matches the clue and the key, he finds a few apprentices along the way; he has to talk to them, ask them questions. Just as his father would have designed.  Oskar also finds surrogate alpha (okay, beta) males who are quite different from his father, but have experienced ruptures in their father-son relationships, much like Oskar has. One is a childless, divorcing, black man.  Another is a mute, mysterious, aging stranger. Two men are dead, but the boy learns their stories through the men’s sons.

This film captures the very real (and very practical) differences in the parenting styles of male parents and female parents.  In general, mothers protect their babies but fathers prepare their future adults. Tom Hanks portrays an alchemist of a dad who had insisted on extracting the best possible amalgam from his child’s strengths and tics,  the boy’s obsessions and perseverations. Using the devices of scavenger hunts, mythological Manhattan landmarks, oxymorons, and riddles, this dad turned a would-be weirdo into a wanderer.  A New York City wanderer at that.

Stay tuned:  The 2012 Oscar countdown continues!

From yesterday:  Top Ten Parenting Lessons from 2012 Oscar Nominees: The Help

Who you love  + Who loves you back = Family.

Dreamworks’ 2011 blockbuster, The Help, applies this simple equation to the transracial, intergenerational relationships between a cadre of 1960s black mammies and the white mothers who love (and also hate) them.

If there were such things, the job descriptions in the mammy training manual and the mommy training manual would certainly overlap — a competent caregiver of either stripe must clean the dirty, feed the hungry, and hush the distressed.

A listing of mandatory skills straight out of any mammy/mommy manual (real or imaginary) would have to be “multi-tasking”  Yes’m.  There are days that all that cradling, coddling, feeding, negotiating, hugging, and butt-wiping has to be done simultaneously, it feels like. One particularly adept multi-tasking movie mammy is Aibileen, who has not finished her trod through the stations of grief brought on by the death of her own son.

But what is the “why” of parenting work?  The reasons why babies are worth all that trouble.  Why clean, feed, fret, and soothe?  I’ve a feeling that the mammy and mommy manuals wouldn’t explain such motivations any more clearly than real life does.

For the mammies in this movie, the easy answer seems to be that taking care of babies is their job.  Job — you know… that thing that bosses have to pay you for, just to make you show up?  As for the mommies, we project onto mommies our hopeful answer — love.  Mommies — blood mommies —  birth, coddle, clean and nourish babies because they just can’t help themselves, right?

The truthful answers to these questions is the genius of The Help.  This script-flipper of a movie points out that some mommies have babies because it’s what their bosses (the era, their peers, the future grandparents, and the culture) exhort (extort?) them to do.  These gals cash their paychecks at the altar, at bridge club, Junior League.  They save snapshots of frozen smiles instead of pay-stubs as proof that they have bargained well and been paid accordingly.  The mammies do the one thing that dollars cannot dictate:  they allow themselves to love and be loved.  Not just their children, but other women’s children, too. For these feats, the helpers earn respect, trust, true intimacy, and a story worth telling.

Stay tuned:  The Academy Award parenting countdown continues tomorrow!

• Young babies (birth to 6 months):

Pictures are a worthy enough substitute for the words your baby cannot yet write. Snap photos of your adorable little one in her grandparent-funded layette.  Your sister-n-law will know that you (and baby) appreciate the cute and useful gift of a teething ring when she sees a pic of your infant happily gnawing away.  Tuck these precious moments into your thank-you notes.

• Older babies and toddlers (6 – 24 months):

More active babies might need a more active medium to convey their delight with a new gift or toy: video.  Smart phones and small recorders make it easy to capture a special moment and email it within minutes.  Older toddlers can talk enough and follow simple directions long enough to participate in the filming — you two can work together to produce a sincere, simple “thank you!” shout-out that will make the recipient’s day.

• Two and Three year olds:

Let the scribbling begin!  Really.  Your youngster can “ready, aim, scribble” on a piece of paper, so let her.  On the first try, a two year-old might approach this task with the grace of Norman Bates, turned loose on another shower curtain; but by age 3, many children will have the muscular control to grasp a kid-sized (washable!) marker  and copy the example circle that you draw.  When she adds eyes and a smile to that circle, she will have written a powerfully accurate chronicle of how someone’s generosity made her feel.

• Preschoolers:

If, at this stage of note-writing, your child asks you to be the scribe, it’s very helpful for you to go along. Just make sure the words are all hers. Kiddie thoughts move much faster than little fingers. Reading back the note you’ve written on behalf of your child reinforces the magical connection between ideas and the words that represent them.

We know that a kid this age isn’t often in touch with her “inner editor.”  And you know what?  She don’t need an external one right now.  Let her experiment with letter-like squiggles, random letters, crooked letters, and invented spellings. That stuff is all developmentally appropriate at this stage.

Thank you for reading.

Some say that play is the work of children.

I agree. Sort of….

The developmental tasks accomplished through playing are what truly matter.

Equally important: What kind of co-worker are you Mommy? The hovering, scampering, secretarial type?  The strict foreman who keeps the trains running on time?  Or are you more of an over-qualified, underpaid, personal assistant to a diva?

Here’s what your kid is working on, and how you can really help:

Birth to First Birthday:

Your super-curious baby spends a lot of her time figuring out her place in the world.

In the first few months of her life, she experiments with causes and effects — everything from what happens when she smiles or cries, to what happens when she kicks her foot at the new crib mobile. In the second half of her first year, she becomes able to direct her curiosity and see it through to a result.  Like that toy you think you hid, or the cup you think you put a lid on…. remember Mommy, it’s her job to discover. It’s your job to control her environment to make sure she learns that life is interesting, comforting, and safe. Besides, within months, she will love imitating you so much that she’ll even help clean up her own splashes. Discipline? Save it for next year.

First Birthday to 2 years old:

Your super-independent baby thinks she’s got it all figured out, doesn’t she?

She walks now (just like you).  She talks now (just like you, she thinks). What does she need you for?  Diaper changes, but she won’t always admit that. At this age, your toddler discovers multiple ways to reach her goals. If she wants her blankie from the laundry pile, she might pull down the whole pile to get it closer to her, or she might climb the furniture to get herself closer to it.  Either way, she’s convinced she doesn’t need your help — except for when she does, right?  It’s your job to be patient for now, and avoid power struggles. Discipline should be about setting and keeping boundaries, not punishment.

2 years old to 3 & 4 years old:

Your super-social kid spends a lot of time figuring out everyone else’s business — even if she has to make some of it up.

At first, your child starts with simple imitation of actions she has seen. By ages 3 and 4, she and her friends will use sociodramatic play (or make-believe) to try on different personalities, and try out different situations. The simple body-oriented play of the first 24 months is expanded to symbolic play, which means that kids this age can hold something in their minds although the object isn’t really there.  You know — they pretend. Mommy’s job: to be a good stage mother.

Yesterday, I received an “atta girl!” email.  A friend of mine had found out that I’d recently conquered a lifelong fear: I sang.

Then Kelly revealed to me that she had also stared down a big monster:  she climbed. Rock climbing, up high. She had clambered over her terror, to reach out and grab the exhilaration that awaited her at the peak. High-fives are clearly in order.

But while we’re at it, let’s also celebrate babies and their risky busy-ness.

Risk vs. Reward, Domain by Domain

Emotional Development:  Everything is a new prospect for your new baby. Especially being born.  I don’t know about you, but I need more than 2 or 3 days and an energy drink to pack up, relocate, and meet the new neighbors (who don’t understand a word I’m saying).  Your child’s payoff for enduring such big uncertainty: secure attachment — the emotional refueling that will launch your baby toward feeling successful when she tries new things.

Language Development:  Your infant doesn’t need a fancy foreign vacation to practice new language skills, she just needs you.  In the early days of her life, she makes a comment about her needs (it sounds like this:  ”waaaah!”). Her rewards?  Your prompt attention, your problem-solving skills.  As baby learns the household routines (and the difference between night and day!), she quickly moves on to other goals, like conversing and using every ounce of her cuteness to get you to speak up in return.

Social Development: At first, baby tries out a smile. Your loving response is all the applause she wants.  The risks get bigger as she enlarges her world to include friends, toys, sharing, make-believe, as well as new rules, roles, and responsibilities.

Motor Development: Give her an inch, and she’ll take a step.  In about a year or so.  Wiggling her body, holding your hand, chomping on her toes, couch-climbing, feeling her own facial expressions of excitement or frustration are all important milestones in body ownership. When she’s ready, her first steps will propel her past fear and into the exhilaration that awaits her in your shoe closet.

Intellectual Development:  Now it gets really simple.  Her job description: insatiable curiosity, goal-setting, touching, dropping, poking, scooting toward, grabbing. Your job description: Safety proofing. A young child who takes intellectual risks should be rewarded with discovery, not mishap.

We would all do well to take inspiration from young children. They walk the thin line between success and failure with an amazing gracefulness.

She said:

“My son sucks his thumb.  Even the ultrasound images showed him with his thumb in his mouth.  He’s almost six years old!  Do you have any suggestions on how to break this habit?  As cute as it was, it’s starting to affect his teeth.  We tried bargaining with him, to buy him some cowboy boots if he could stop.  He got very excited for about 5 minutes, then he just automatically started again, right after I turned away.”

My response:

Let me start by saying I can relate — my younger one was a thumb connoisseur since the womb days, too.  My older one was not.  Guess who needed braces?  Both of them.

Disclaimer:  Your son might find my point of view more helpful than you do. That’s because I think thumb-sucking is what a coping skill looks like when it is first born.

Babies are naturally inclined to interact with the world via their mouths. See MommyGarten.com blog post Does Your Baby Have a Smart Mouth? Beyond exploration, babies and young children suck their hands, fingers, and thumbs to soothe themselves.  Any time that a person can find mood-regulating tools within himself, instead of reaching for something external, it’s a good thing.

Someday, the range of healthy choices for being responsible for one’s own emotional state will include meditation, spiritual practice, having a good cry, having a good laugh, having good relationships.  The range of unhealthy choices for managing stress in adulthood is on display every day of the week on reality television: overeating, overdrinking, overspending, and hollow relationships. Braces are cheaper than psychoanalysis or rehab or divorce.

On a geeky note:  The child development “aha” that stands out about your son’s habit is that even in the womb, he was able to isolate his thumb from the rest of his hand, and bring it to his mouth. Many newborns need help bringing their hands to their mouths, so I’m noticing that your boy has always had precise motor skills.  So do all future artists, pianists, violinists, and athletes. My daughter, the former thumb aficionado, remains talented with her hands.  In fact, she quickly gets bored with sports that are not hands-on (hurdles and lacrosse), and she excels at sports where she can touch the ball (volleyball and basketball, for example) — just something I noticed over the years.

As your son matures, he will change his mechanisms for self-soothing, but let’s hope he retains the ability to be emotionally self-nurturing.  Today’s thumbsucker might be tomorrow’s yoga practitioner, compassionate dad, or prolific artist.

If you follow Pediatricians’ recommendations, Tummy time (lying down in the prone position) will be the longest 3 minutes of your new baby’s life, too.

At about day three (postpartum for a baby carried to term), it’s time to give your infant the opportunity to develop even musculature in the neck, arms, and upper body.

If you’re like most new parents, you don’t even try to fight the urge to make it all better at the sound of the slightest whimper.    Well, tummy time will be one of your first tests of parenting resolve.  Babies don’t seem to like it much.  At first.  Expect mild protest.  That’s normal.

In my years of consulting experience (hundreds and hundreds of hours, sitting on living room floors, playing) the only babies who don’t mind tummy time are the ones who have mastered it.  There are ways of making the minutes move along.  Here’s a list.

What To Do During Tummy Time

• Tummy time is only for a few minutes.  A maximum of 3-5 minutes, a couple of times per day until your baby masters and enjoys this exercise;  then you can increase.
• Tummy time is for parents, too.  Your baby must be wide awake and you must supervise for the duration.
• Don’t practice tummy time in the crib — that’s where the research-endorsed position of back sleeping takes place.  Comfy blanket atop clean floor is perfect.  Pets behind closed doors — even better.
• Offer a toy.  It will distract your baby from the initial discomfort of this new activity.
• Offer a book.  A tiny, cardboard book with one well-defined image per page will help pass the tummy time.  Place book 8 inches from baby’s face, then tap a page and say the name of the item in the book to help baby learn to focus attention.
• Offer a sibling.  This new workout starts three days postpartum, remember?  All the way down to the floor and back up again?  You might need someone to spot you, Momma.  While parents supervise, older siblings can get acquainted with baby, and learn appropriate limits on play, personal space, and exuberance levels with your newborn.
• Use your judgment.  Your baby might complain bitterly about tummy time — and who knows the reason?  Just observe your baby, and respect those limits.  Try again tomorrow.

Really.  Try again.  Tomorrow would be a good time.  Due to important research leading to “Back to Sleep” recommendations for infants, parents will need to set aside time to create the tummy-only opportunities to build strength, sharpen depth perception, coordinate movements, and appreciate body awareness.  All of those abilities lead to the later milestones of crawling, cruising, walking, running, and playing sports.

Given the increasing rates of worrisome childhood obesity, it seems the responsible thing to do is to give a newborn bodies and brains the message that there is work to do in this life.  And that they can do it.

This past week, we’ve looked at the many ways that baby blankets help young children develop, calm down, think, explore, play, and get on with their lives.

Let’s end this series by getting to a blanket truth: they are a must-have child development tool for parents.

Even the simplest blankies assist parents with one of the most important infant needs: Sleep. Make that peaceful sleep. To the parents of newborns, it feels like life will never normalize again — partly because a new baby’s sleep habits seem so erratic.

By the time your baby enters the settled period (between 12- 16 weeks) he will begin to recognize night from day.  He’ll also detect a difference in the vibe at playful times versus supposed-to-be-sleeping times (partly because you’re such a bore when he tries to giggle with you at you at 3:35 am).

If parents provide consistent bedtime signals (you’re right not to giggle back in the middle of the night, btw), the settling in can happen more smoothly.  The familiarity (smell, feel, pattern) of his favorite bedcover tells baby 1) it’s time to sleep, and 2) this is a good thing, remember?

A review:

• Your newborn baby’s blanket can serve his emotional development as his transitional object (see Part 1 from Monday).
• Until more motor control naturally develops, a lightweight, natural-fiber cloth or sheet can meet the newborn’s need for physical stability  – his hug away from hug (re-read Tuesday’s Part 2: “The Swaddle”).
• Social development gets a boost when an older, sturdier baby enjoys high-energy games with a loved one and a beloved blankie (see Part 3 from Wednesday: “Search Party”)
• Intellectual development (curiosity) will outpace his ability act on it.  As motor skills catch up with curiosity, your older infant will want to reach out and touch an interesting, multi-textured coverlet (refer to Thurday’s, Part 4: “Touchy Feely”).

A worthy blankie, like a good parent, is capable of wrapping around a young child’s heart, mind, body and soul.

And I’ve discovered ways that Halloween candy can actually be useful to boosting a child’s confidence.

Mommy, after you’re done stealing from — pardon me, I meant to say “safety-checking” — your kid’s stash, here’s what else to do with all that candy:

A kinder, gentler pop quiz.

That overflowing plastic pumpkin holds the keys to academic skills your child will need when she begins formal schooling.

• Count. If your child is not ready to count (some children “sing” the numbers at first, before they learn one-to-one correspondence), let her watch you count how many pieces are in one handful. She might find it interesting when you point out that bigger hands hold more pieces than little hands do.
• Compare. What is the difference between a candy bar and a lollipop?  Is it the shape, the clear wrapper that one will have?
• Tally. Now that you’ve established the difference between a tootsie and a twizzler, you could make a chart.  An excellent way to begin to teach one-to-one correspondence would be to tape a piece of candy to a sheet of paper, and encourage your child to make one mark on the paper to represent each piece of matching candy that she finds in her bucket. Watch for signs that her attention span is full, or that she’s ready to move on to a different activity.
• Contrast. Your children will also be very interested in observing who hauled in how much of which treat!  Words like “more,” “less,” “bigger,” and “all” are math concept words.
• Sort by color, by size, by taste (sour?  sweet?)
• Name the goodies.  So many new words to learn on a night like this….
• Read the candy wrappers.  Environmental print is one of the most natural ways for children to practice noticing letter shapes.  Look with your child at the art and letters on the wrappers.  See if any additional fantasies or stories are sparked in your child’s mind.

Click this title to learn more about young children’s emerging math skills:  Your Child’s Hidden Math Skills.

For more tips on protecting your child’s emotional safety at Halloween time, see these previous articles: Emotional Safety At Halloween Time, Part I & Emotional Safety, Part 2., and Emotional Safety, Part 3.

Halloween night can be a carnival of chaos for babies and young children.

It’s no surprise that the odd sights, and sounds, a first encounter with a (possibly) itchy costume, along with the new tastes and aromas, can quickly overload each of your little one’s five senses.

To change Halloween from a potentially stressful experience, into a fun, familar one — try this:

• Create costumes from cast-off or outgrown clothing.  Ankle-high, threadbare blue jeans are exactly what the scarecrow ordered. Use pink felt and non-toxic glue to transform a comfy, familiar sweatsuit into a mouse costume.  When you use materials that your toddler recognizes, you make the costume more approachable.
• Don’t set aside costumes for trick-or-treating only.  Your young child might back out of the whole overwhelming event at the last minute. If she has had time to wear and enjoy her costume, at least you will have gotten your money’s worth out of it.  Extend the life of your child’s costume by expecting her to want to wear it long before the big day — and long afterwards.  Dressing up in new outfits (and new personalities!) will stimulate the development of pretend-play skills.
• Use non-toxic face paint instead of masks.  Your young child will feel more in control if she can breath freely and see well.  Okay…. that’s a physical safety issue, as well.
• Involve everyone.  If your bulldog borrows big sister’s tutu for the evening, little sister sees yet another example of how much fun it can be to play along.

For more tips on protecting your child’s emotional safety at Halloween time, see these previous articles: Emotional Safety At Halloween Time, Part I & Emotional Safety, Part 2.

For more tips on how to encourage your child’s natural love for pretend play, read: Stage Mother.