The baby-biz lingo, “toilet learning,” conjures images of skipped classes, Fonzie jackets and smokin’ in the boys’ room.

For toddlers and the bathrooms that await them, the key word is “readiness.”  Most children are not ready to learn this complex process until about halfway between their second and third birthdays.

There are plenty of parents who insist (hope?) otherwise. And sure, some tots will offload cargo if you help them pull up to the dock at just the right moment. But that doesn’t mean the kids are “trained” — it means their parents are.

Developmental milestones for learning to use the bathroom.

Children will reliably, independently, and hygienically use the room with a potty when they are ready in every developmental domain. The following questions will help you decide when to teach your child about using the bathroom.

Emotional development – Whose idea is this?

Starting at around 12-14 months of age, your child is in the throes of the normal stage of negativism. His strong feelings of independence and his love of saying “no” might embroil you in more power struggles than potty trips if you pressure him.  When your child starts to dislike the feeling of being wet or soiled, you’ll have yourself a partnership.

Social development – Does your child care about potty training as much as you do?

After negativism passes, and your child becomes more cooperative, he will want to comply with more of your requests. He will have discovered that he wants to grow up, have different clothing, and leave babyhood behind. Your toddler will want to be more like the bigger people who are his role models. It is healthy and normal for him to observe that older family members use the bathroom.

Cognitive development – How many details can your toddler manage at once?

Using the bathroom is quite a process. It involves recognizing the need, responding in a timely manner, asking for help at first, disrobing, and then relaxing one’s body while balancing on a chair with a hole in it. Let him practice as much as he wants to. Let him practice with clothes on, with clothes off.  Let him sit there and settle in while thumbing through a book. These activities will help him get more familiar with the details of going to the bathroom.

Language development – Does your child have the expressive language skills to ask for the help he needs?

It’s a good development when your child increasingly wants to stop wetting and soiling a diaper to that he can be clean and dry. It’s an even more promising development when he tells you so. Be sure to teach him the words that are acceptable to your family (and/or his caregivers) for these body functions. Alerting you to the fact that he is having a bowel movement is one of the first steps of taking responsibility for body functions. He’ll soon be ready for more complex responsibilities.

Motor development – Is your child’s body ready to “hold it” until he can get to the bathroom?

The sphincter muscles that allow for bladder and bowel control have some of the last nerves in the body to finish developing. Even if your child understands the process of going to the bathroom, is highly motivated to go, and desperately wants big boy underwear, if he cannot control his muscles yet, he will not have consistent success.  What he needs instead is non-shaming help in cleaning himself, along with encouragement for trying again next time.

Then he’ll follow you with his eyes.  Within a couple of months, he will smile.  At you.  On purpose. While he’s awake.

That is called the “social smile.”  And it’s a big deal when he decides to lay one on you.

The social smile is such a huge milestone because it brings together many other elements of your child’s development.

Cognitive Development and Body Awareness

Let’s review:  Your baby smiles at you, on purpose, while he’s wide awake — he clearly recognizes your visual representation (aka “face”).  He has been carefully observing your mouth and facial expressions, then pairing that information with the sounds of what you say.  The rhythms, too. A baby who smiles socially, or smiles back at you when you smile, knows how to take turns.

Emotional Development

Your prompt, consistent attention to his needs means that as the newborn develops into a settled baby, he can stress less about his problems, and enjoy life, his body, his family, his home a lot more. Your smiling tot with the good memory enjoys the experiences he associates with you, and knows that the love fest goes both ways.  His smile is the product of your investment in plenty of pleasurable face-to-face time.

Social Development

Your amazing baby instinctively knows what adults need to research in order to realize:  that a large part of our communication is non-verbal.   A baby capable of the social smile is a baby who has the maturity to ask for what he wants (more face time!), in a positive way.  He has outgrown his 100% reliance on the earlier strategies of cries and cues.

For babies, “smile” is a big word, and a big part of their growing language and social skills. The baby who learns to take turns will be able to make “conversation.”  The toddler who takes turns will be able to make friends.

That used be called “Mother -wit.”  Now it’s called psychosomatic.

It’s a rare instinct that hasn’t been dulled by disrespect, replaced by reference libraries, or made out to be too primitive for these technology-based times.

The way that parents (most adults actually, in every studied culture, the world over) automatically talk when they’re talking to babies is an anthropological victory.  In the baby biz, we call that special language “Parentese.”

As an attuned parent, you are learning your infant’s rhythms, preferences, and habits, so of course you’re learning your family’s new language.  But surely you’ve also witnessed something like this:

While mother shops, a young baby sits contentedly in her stroller, minding her own business, conducting a taste test on her toes.  A middle-aged stranger strolls by, glimpses baby’s fresh face, perfect contentment, perfectly cute outfit, and becomes enchanted by all that happiness and all those pastels.

Within seconds, the grumpy lady who hasn’t faked niceness to her own neighbors since the last hurricane warning is overtaken by her instinct to communicate with a baby.  And of course, to be answered back.  A smile, a giggle, a wiggle — even a brief glance will do.  To ensure her chances of success, the lady formerly known as grumpy will:

Your newborn’s previous address was insulated against sound, wind gusts, sudden movements, and bright lights.  He never knew hunger — instead he enjoyed a steady and constant supply of nutrition.  He drifted in and out of a blissful haze of napping, stretching, napping some more.

Compared to that personal paradise, life on the outside can be challenging.  Your child now has to learn the complex processes of experiencing needs, alerting you about the needs, then waiting to see what happens.

Your baby will also take on some of the self-care task of regulation.  When excessive stimulation intrudes, he will attempt to shut out the stimuli by turning away, withdrawing, becoming irritable, or even crying or sleeping.  He will show his appreciation for your efforts to soothe him by quieting when you comfort him.

Parents can lessen baby’s stress by observing the cues of overstimulation.  Maintain a household environment that is easy on the senses.  Keep the daily care routines easy for your baby to predict.  Within a few weeks, you’ll be able to notice that your infant reacts when he sees the bottle or breast.

Setting aside time for meaningful interactions will make a difference, too.  By 3 months of age, your child will show excitement by increasing the movements of arm and legs when he recognizes a toy that he enjoys.

Your careful parenting work will pay off.  Signs that your newborn is becoming a settled baby (12 to 16 weeks postpartum for babies carried to term):

• Communication evolves from cries and cues to purposeful, joyful conversations.  Favorite sounds abound.
• Multitasking.  He will be able to nurse and reach for a hand to hold.
• He will like to see your familiar face.  He’ll enjoy exchanging smiles, too.
• Baby develops hobbies, like nibbling on his feet or making saliva bubbles.
• He learns to fall asleep more independently.
• Temperament becomes more consistent.

Within a year, baby will become toddler.  A toddler who can wave “bye-bye”, imitate you, respond to phrases with actions, and know when to say “mama” or “dada.”  He’ll be a fully functioning member of the place you all call home.

They usually are.

And no, I don’t mean “Is your preschooler hungry?”

They often won’t admit it, unless they’re at the house of a friend whose mother isn’t nearly as good a cook as you.  Political prisoners could take hunger strike lessons from a preschooler who has figured out that what mom really wants is for her to eat the green things, too.

But enough about cutting the edges off grilled cheese sandwiches  <flashback shudder>  let’s get back to the real question:  Is your newborn baby really hungry?

Signs of Hunger in Your Newborn

Because he is navigating this big, new, complex, noisy, sometimes chilly, sometimes stuffy world without words, your new baby will use strategies to communicate.

When he is hungry, here’s how he’ll try to tell you:

• If he’s asleep at all, it’s a light sleep.
• If awake, he is moving from the sleepier states into the more alert states.
• His arms are in motion.  Legs, too.
• Mouth, too.  He will start opening his mouth, moving his tongue around, making sucking  noises.  Your baby can give a hint, too.
• He sucks his hand for comfort (also does it for soothing sometimes, but look for more than one indicator of hunger.  You’ll detect them, Mom)
• Baby’s head might be moving toward you, your chest, your breast.  This is the rooting reflex that helped him find his first meal when he arrived on this planet.
• Timing is key.  Wailing for food is a last-ditch hunger signal.  The good news it that it will get easier to read the early, calmer signs of hunger.

He’s not hungry anymore when:

• He lets go of your breast, and moves his attention on to something else of interest.
• He turns away from your body.
• His body calms down.  The arms are at rest, the breathing is rhythmic.  Peaceful.
• He falls asleep after a long time at the breast.  Not to be confused with those ultra-sleepy new babies who are so tired they don’t show much interest in eating.

The best way to respond quickly and appropriately to your baby’s hunger is to learn the signs, then observe your baby for them.  It is possible to prevent the late-stage hunger signal of extreme crying.  A calmer feeding helps your baby’s digestion by starting him off with a better latch, and filling his tummy with milk, not gulps of air.  When he is calm, he won’t have to spend energy on settling down — he can instead use his free time to gaze up at you, the owner of his favorite face.