Some say that play is the work of children.

I agree. Sort of….

The developmental tasks accomplished through playing are what truly matter.

Equally important: What kind of co-worker are you Mommy? The hovering, scampering, secretarial type?  The strict foreman who keeps the trains running on time?  Or are you more of an over-qualified, underpaid, personal assistant to a diva?

Here’s what your kid is working on, and how you can really help:

Birth to First Birthday:

Your super-curious baby spends a lot of her time figuring out her place in the world.

In the first few months of her life, she experiments with causes and effects — everything from what happens when she smiles or cries, to what happens when she kicks her foot at the new crib mobile. In the second half of her first year, she becomes able to direct her curiosity and see it through to a result.  Like that toy you think you hid, or the cup you think you put a lid on…. remember Mommy, it’s her job to discover. It’s your job to control her environment to make sure she learns that life is interesting, comforting, and safe. Besides, within months, she will love imitating you so much that she’ll even help clean up her own splashes. Discipline? Save it for next year.

First Birthday to 2 years old:

Your super-independent baby thinks she’s got it all figured out, doesn’t she?

She walks now (just like you).  She talks now (just like you, she thinks). What does she need you for?  Diaper changes, but she won’t always admit that. At this age, your toddler discovers multiple ways to reach her goals. If she wants her blankie from the laundry pile, she might pull down the whole pile to get it closer to her, or she might climb the furniture to get herself closer to it.  Either way, she’s convinced she doesn’t need your help — except for when she does, right?  It’s your job to be patient for now, and avoid power struggles. Discipline should be about setting and keeping boundaries, not punishment.

2 years old to 3 & 4 years old:

Your super-social kid spends a lot of time figuring out everyone else’s business — even if she has to make some of it up.

At first, your child starts with simple imitation of actions she has seen. By ages 3 and 4, she and her friends will use sociodramatic play (or make-believe) to try on different personalities, and try out different situations. The simple body-oriented play of the first 24 months is expanded to symbolic play, which means that kids this age can hold something in their minds although the object isn’t really there.  You know — they pretend. Mommy’s job: to be a good stage mother.

~Nia, 15 year-old World History student.

That comment by my daughter is a poignant insight to parenting. When our children leave our homes, what they leave behind for us to excavate is the most tangible summary of the days of development gone by.

A mere glimpse of the green handprint wreath painting instantly transports me back to the front row of the Peace Preschool holiday show. What looks like a stack of scribbled-up papers to others is obviously a sample of artwork pieces that show the progression of my daughter’s cognitive, creative, and motor development — and I-don’t-care how much room the boxes take up.

“I need some art!”

~Nia, when she was a 3 year-old preschooler, stuck at home for Christmas Break.

I guess the holidays had been a little hectic. Then again, perhaps the days had not been busy enough for  a preschool veteran who was used to the comforting regularity of Ms. Donna’s classroom schedule.

Whether busy or bored, what Nia really needed is what all children need: a way to capture and record the meanings, thoughts, and feelings of what is happening in their lives.

Art allows young children to:

• Create subjective, symbolic representations of their life events.
• Have a tool to help them remember events, feelings, sights they’ve seen.
• Initiate, direct, and complete their own work.
• Make decisions independently.
• Assess their own work product.
• Accomplish all of the above, before they can even read or write.

What parents can do to help:

• With safety for younger siblings in mind, allow preschoolers independent access to as many of the art supplies as possible.
• Organize the art materials for your child’s ease of use and ability to predict what to expect about the art experience.
• Display the finished art for the whole family to enjoy.
• Make sure older siblings mind their own business (you too, parents). It is demoralizing for children to hear criticisms of their creative choices.
• Sneak in extra learning. There are so many new words kids can learn while they paint, draw, or look for collage materials.
• Sneak in some chores. Children will actually be happy to clean up and care for their art supplies when they realize that is they only way that the materials will remain in good condition for future fun.

This week at MommyGarten.com, we’ll look at various ways for you to help your baby, toddler, or preschooler to create authentic, developmentally appropriate art. Check back for more on The Art and Work of Creative Parenting series.

Yesterday was Monday. Tomorrow is Wednesday… That means today is ToesDay.

Whenever I host parent-child storytimes, I always include an art activity.  One of the biggest hits is footprint art.

Though charming to us adults, some kids won’t like it. Won’t tolerate it. Having a wet, slippery foot that needs to be washed will send some children running. Which is okay — you can make graffiti art from the footprints they leave behind.

For those whose children will enjoy ToesDay, here are some ways to jam it full of learning:

Make it seasonal.

• Brown footprint + red dot, scribble, or button on the heel of the footprint = our favorite reindeer! Twisty pretzels, broken just right, make 3-dimensional antlers that you can help your child glue onto the paper, on top of the big toe, and the little toe.
• Black paper + white paint = a Halloween ghost. The heel of the footprint becomes the ghost’s head, and stick-on stars make the black night shimmer.

Make it about the process.

• Involve children with gathering the supplies. Talk about what the purpose of each item you plan to use. Discuss the field trip to the school supply store you might make to purchase the paint, or the stickers.
• Parents often put on a show for kids, without letting kids be aware of the “before, during, and after” work.  In other words, the planning stage, the part of the process that requires following instructions and rules, and the equally important time devoted to responsibility and clean-up.

To keep these activities easy, simple, and fun, remember:

• Use a heavy paper, like construction paper or cardstock. Cardboard is a good medium, too.
• Use a sponge to dab paint onto your child’s foot. A brush will tickle too much.
• Use only non-toxic fingerpaint.
• Keep choking hazards away from younger kids. Independent completion is great, when a kid is developmentally ready to remember to be safe. Buttons, pretzels, marker tops, stickers, and construction paper cut-outs are suitable for independent use by children who are past the mouth exploration stage — that usually means 3 years and older.
• Let each child particpate on his or her own terms.
• Kids who don’t like to be painted might enjoy passing out the wet wipes to those who are in need of a tidy-up. It has always been interesting to me to see which kids want to help clean others’ tootsies.  That’s another topic for another day, but developing empathy is a milestone, too.

Display the art immediately after having your child sign his or her name (initial, squiggle, or drop of drool) — that’s what great artists do, they sign their work. Send some of the creations to grandparents, and safeguard some for a memory book. But most of all, enjoy your job as a parenting maestro.

Check back tomorrow for more on The Art and Work of Creative Parenting series.

Outdoor chalk play is a nearly perfect activity:

• Chalk can be a tool for art or for hopscotch.
• Children of different ages can create together, or
• Younger ones can color independently.
• Kids can practice writing.
• Cleanup with a hose is just as much fun as the activity.
• But — cleanup is optional!

Specific developmental benefits of playing with sidewalk chalk.

Motor development – Kids practice using their small muscles (fine motor skills) to grasp and hang on to the chalk. They use their larger muscles (gross motor development) to bend down, scribble HARD, hop back up to admire their work, run over to your hammock and drag you out to come and see their work. Oh yeh, that hopping on one leg thing? Then the other leg? While thinking? Beautiful electrical storms are lighting up their brains!

Intellectual or cognitive development - When you show your young children how to play games like hopscotch or bean bag toss, don’t focus on accuracy the first time out. What really matters is that they understand that there are rules to remember, and that there is a sequence to follow. Practice will ensure accuracy. For today, their attempts to participate in a group activity (social development) is enough. The confidence and enjoyment (emotional development) they gain from simply trying to participate will motivate them to continue working until they get it “right.”

Language development – Chalk play can enhance your child’s communication skills by simply giving her an opportunity to write letters, draw a picture that has meaning, invent letters that she wants to practice writing. Remember to take seriously whatever she decides to communicate. The sun is shining, and she is trying. She can’t get it wrong.

More language boosts will happen when your child needs to be able to

• listen to rules of a game,
• listen to the other players,
• respond to the words, “It’s your turn, now” or
• blurt out, “Hey! My turn!”

Parenting tip: if she recognizes that brother just took two turns, her sequencing ability (intellectual skill) is coming along, don’t you think??

Whew. Somebody’s gonna need a long afternoon nap, Mommy… yet another benefit of playing outside with chalk.

Firestations and petting zoos have their place, but when you want to take your child on a journey of discovery, a walk in your own neighborhood (with curiosity as his tour guide) is more than enough.

Your young child’s natural inclination to touch and gather is a good instinct for today’s art activity, making collages. Tomorrow and the next day, your preschooler will be able to enjoy his art, and remember the process that led to the finished artistic product. Many tomorrows later, you’ll be gazing at what remains of that day.

In the warm months, he’ll notice grasses, terrain, spent feathers, flowers, lizards, and winged insects. Allow him to gather a petal here, a pebble there. The cooler months will offer a bounty of acorn shells, pine needles, pine cones, fallen leaves, and browned grasses. As he gathers items, ask him questions about his choices (i.e., his thinking processes).

Collage artist Megan Coyle endorses the idea of using “found objects from outside like flowers and leaves, to create more organic works of art.”  The Washington, D.C. artist also advises using a non-toxic adhesive (like good ole’ Elmer’s School Glue) and thicker paper “like watercolor paper or perhaps even cardboard [to] make it easier to hang the collage once it’s complete.”

Young toddlers will enjoy gluing. Random gluing. Pointless gluing. Just making a glue dot on the background paper, then slapping something on it will be a sheer joy. Older toddlers and preschoolers will be capable of creating a more cohesive piece, especially with the morning’s field trip as inspiration. They might draw a picture of a bird to serve as new home for the feathers they found. A curvy line of pebbles looks like the nature trail you just walked, doesn’t it?

Ms. Coyle also offers a rainy-day back-up plan for MommyGarten.com readers: “You can use whatever you have in your craft box, such as tissue paper, wrapping paper, fabric, or magazines. The beauty to collage is that you can take common, ordinary objects and turn them into works of art.” See our blogroll for a link to the adventures of Megan Coyle’s collage canine, Bosty — your kids will love this dog!

Remember to have your artist sign his work — Megan Coyle always signs hers.  Whether your kid signs with a scribble, a paint-dipped fingerprint, a sticker, or a first initial, signing his creation is another way to be proud of his work.

He’s finally good at walking (but you keep trying to stop him), he’s talking (but the big people act like they don’t understand what he’s trying to say), he can eat alone (if somebody would just let him pick out the green things), and he remembers where you hid his best toys (you call them Hummel figurines, or some such thing).

Your child is particularly vulnerable to tantrums during his second year of life (12-24 months) because his understanding of what is happening around him is clearer than ever.  Yet his ability to determine his own destiny hasn’t caught up.  As he recognizes his own will to do things, his own independence, expect some mild disagreements.  When the refusals escalate, they become tantrums.

This, too will pass.  But until it does, here’s what you can do to minimize the stress for both of you:

Respect his schedule. The newborn baby doesn’t have one, the settled baby has done a lot of work to regulate himself into a schedule, and the toddler desperately needs one.  If his body thinks it’s naptime, and you consider it a great time to stock up on perfume samples at the mall, your child’s point of view will be heard up and down the escalators.

Keep your cool. The word “no” has had a lot of power over him lately, so who can blame him for trying it out for himself?  Expect him to engage in refusals to cooperate.  The best thing you can do is be consistent.  For example: He wears a shirt to playgroup.  Period.  It’s far better in the long run to miss one play date over the standoff, (and have him learn that you mean what you say) than to have a daily, energy-sapping cycle of boundary testing.

Have no shame. If you don’t think your child should play in the revolving door (and you’d be right about that, Mommy) — don’t give in.  Who cares who’s looking, tsk-tsk-ing, or judging?  If those strangers really cared (or mattered), they’d offer to load your groceries into the trunk while you load your screaming child into his car seat.

Hug it out. Once the tantrum is in full-on mode, stay even-tempered and compassionate with your child.  Raising your voice, or your pulse, is exhausting.  Unless somebody’s around to tuck YOU in for a guaranteed nap, save your strength.  Once the storm has passed, your toddler will need some help understanding what just happened.  Words for his feelings won’t end the tantrums right away, but over time, words will be such a useful tool that the confusing, stormy feelings won’t need to be enacted so vigorously. When his mouth can say, “I’m frustrated!” his body won’t have to.

]]> http://www.mommygarten.com/emotional-development/the-taming-of-the-tantrum/feed/ 0 http://www.mommygarten.com/parenting-skills/parenting-as-a-second-language/ http://www.mommygarten.com/parenting-skills/parenting-as-a-second-language/#comments Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:59:01 +0000 Carly Jennings http://www.mommygarten.com/?p=28 You know that hinky feeling your Aunt Edna gets in her belly when bad news is a comin’?

That used be called “Mother -wit.”  Now it’s called psychosomatic.

It’s a rare instinct that hasn’t been dulled by disrespect, replaced by reference libraries, or made out to be too primitive for these technology-based times.

The way that parents (most adults actually, in every studied culture, the world over) automatically talk when they’re talking to babies is an anthropological victory.  In the baby biz, we call that special language “Parentese.”

As an attuned parent, you are learning your infant’s rhythms, preferences, and habits, so of course you’re learning your family’s new language.  But surely you’ve also witnessed something like this:

While mother shops, a young baby sits contentedly in her stroller, minding her own business, conducting a taste test on her toes.  A middle-aged stranger strolls by, glimpses baby’s fresh face, perfect contentment, perfectly cute outfit, and becomes enchanted by all that happiness and all those pastels.

Within seconds, the grumpy lady who hasn’t faked niceness to her own neighbors since the last hurricane warning is overtaken by her instinct to communicate with a baby.  And of course, to be answered back.  A smile, a giggle, a wiggle — even a brief glance will do.  To ensure her chances of success, the lady formerly known as grumpy will:

It usually comes at me like this:  ”She’s growing so fast!” or  ”Does she look different to you?”  Sometimes a mom just sighs and says, “Ohh, he’s losing all his baby fat since he started walking.”

I tell parents that just as babies grow across diverse developmental domains, they also grow up in several observable ways.

Because I believe that parents are the real experts about their own babies, years ago I started asking parents themselves to help me solve the babyhood demarcation question.  There has always been a fascinating pattern to the answers.

Pre-parents (especially pregnant couples) give a definitive answer.  They tend to think that babyhood ends around the time of the first birthday.  But on-the-job parents (especially moms) who may or may not have already answered my question previously, describe the end of babyhood in terms of milestones, often physical ones like walking.  Hands-on parents also see changes in body type as a gauge of emerging toddler-ness.  When Moms and Dads do specify a time frame as the end of babyhood, they usually say 18 months or later.

The following developmental milestones begin to emerge around the time baby is 12 months old, and most children display nearly all of them by 18 months — exactly the time frame bounded by my terribly unscientific, yet excruciatingly accurate, longitudinal-ish survey.  Once again, parents know best.

You will know your infant is making a big move from the very needy first year of life, to the external world of multiple relationships, complex interactions, and asserting a separate identity when you observe the following milestones:

1. Imitation.  Your child will mimic simple actions, like talking on the telephone, or applying mascara (have we talked about safety-proofing yet?).  This isn’t the same as pretending.  Pretending involves an awareness of the unreality of the scenario.  When a 12-month old decides to rummage through your purse to use your cell phone, he’s not kidding.
2. Shaking head side-to-side.  We all know what that means.
3. Wanting to help when you put his clothes on.  He knows the routine, and he knows he can participate, so he does.  Quite charming.
4. Walks without help.  This time frame varies much more than new parents realize.  What really matters is the year-long sequence of body development that leads to walking.
5. Playing with others.  I didn’t say “sharing,” did I?  I didn’t even say “taking turns.”  That, too will have to be learned.
6. Purposefully uses a writing tool.  I can’t remember, so I have to imagine how empowering it must feel to go from needing a big person for almost everything in life, to being able to leave a mark on an otherwise blank surface.  Then another one!  And another! Why is mommy running toward me?  Oh, she wants to color, too — she doesn’t like clean bare walls, either.  Yay!
7. Will hand you an object when you ask.  If you ask nicely.  Unless it’s the marker he’s using to spiff up those boring walls of yours.
8. Wanting to control his own eating.  This is a prime time for power struggles around food and finickiness to begin.  Avoid them by knowing when he’s ready and capable of feeding himself.  He’ll certainly know.
9. Skills.  Social skills, to be precise.  Your growing baby enjoys saying “Hi” — at the appropriate time.  This feat is quite advanced beyond the stage of waving “bye-bye” on command.  That’s so 9-months old.  When your baby greets someone, he shows that he understands how people are to treat one another, and when to do so.
10. Often says ”No.”  Often says it when you interrupt his coloring, or anything else he thinks needs to be done at that moment.  But who can blame him?  He’s been hearing that word a lot lately.

Moms and Dads instinctively understand what it means to be a baby: Dependence.  And what it means to grow up: Independence.  Moving from needing others to wanting to function independently is something that babies instinctively know they’re ready for.  It’s something they are eager to announce to the world.

For the record:

1. Milestones are guidelines for the journey.  Not markers for a race.
2. Babies have distinct personalities.
3. There will never be an adequate expert substitute for bare-knuckle parenting.

So much parenting advice out there … but, none of it matters if it doesn’t apply to your baby.   Forget the formulaic advice. The best strategy? Moms and Dads — know thy baby.

To know your baby, you must observe your baby.  A key fact to remember is that babies grow via observable processes that we in the baby biz call “domains.”  The developmental domains interconnect, they are interdependent, and an infant’s proficiency in each domain strengthens quickly.  Babies have steady work.  Even in this economy.

Regular readers have noticed that every MommyGarten.com blog post pertains to a specific domain of development (refer to the icon beside each post title). Just to be clear, here’s what I mean when I bandy those terms about:

The Developmental Domains:

Emotional Development and Social Development – (Think “People Skills.”)   Because both of these intricately related domains comprise the basis for the quantity and quality of all future relationships in life, I sometimes discuss them together.  Your newborn’s emerging interpersonal skills really function as questions at first:

• “If I cry, who will come?”
• “What will they do?”
• “If I give a smile, will I get one back?”

The quality and quantity of your answers will teach your baby all that he knows about relationships.  He will also use this information to form a belief system about his self-worth, and the role of others in his life.  He will spend his future living out these beliefs, culminating in the development of his character.  Children don’t begin “working on” social skills  in preschool — I don’t care what the brochure says.

Motor Development –  (Think “Body Awareness” or “Body Self.”)  The word motor comes from the Latin word that means movement.  At first innate reflexes offer an additional layer of protection against this startling world.  Babies drop off to sleep to shut out overstimulation (which is brain-damaging if left unchecked), they turn toward possible food sources, you know — survival-oriented things like that.  When newborns shed those programmed responses, they gain (enjoy, even) a sense where they are in space, what they can do (making a noise by shaking a rattle), and how they feel (oooh, those feet are soft.  Yummy, too).

An awakening body awareness is the beginning of self-sufficiency.  That is why I have been known to advise thumb-sucking for parents looking for extra ways to soothe their babies  – when again in life will baby be able to stick something in his mouth, make it all better, and not have to brush his teeth or jog afterwards?

Language Development – The first communication is the cry.  That’s all a baby can pronounce, isn’t it?  Soon, parents will notice the different sounds of baby’s cry.  Please pause long enough to be amazed, folks.  Your baby is organizing his communication around an intention.  (Think “Communication.”  Think “Skills!”)

Brain Development - The brain domain is a dynamic one.  There have been revolutionary discoveries about infant brain development since I became a mommy, and since I began my career.  For my purposes here, I include intellectual growth (“Thinking Skills.”)  Sometimes brain development posts will be about the almost mechanical processes by which your baby learns (e.g., experiences create brain pathways, repeated experiences deepen the pathways, and the deepened pathways facilitate the ease of future experiences of the same nature). Sometimes I will talk about intellectual milestones like the acquisition of object permanence, and the parenting implications (the need to safety-proof your entire home), or  how learning styles are as individual as personality.

For weekly updates on the rapid changes in your baby’s development, subscribe to Milestones, MommyGarten’s weekly primer on child development and current parenting issues.

They usually are.

And no, I don’t mean “Is your preschooler hungry?”

They often won’t admit it, unless they’re at the house of a friend whose mother isn’t nearly as good a cook as you.  Political prisoners could take hunger strike lessons from a preschooler who has figured out that what mom really wants is for her to eat the green things, too.

But enough about cutting the edges off grilled cheese sandwiches  <flashback shudder>  let’s get back to the real question:  Is your newborn baby really hungry?

Signs of Hunger in Your Newborn

Because he is navigating this big, new, complex, noisy, sometimes chilly, sometimes stuffy world without words, your new baby will use strategies to communicate.

When he is hungry, here’s how he’ll try to tell you:

• If he’s asleep at all, it’s a light sleep.
• If awake, he is moving from the sleepier states into the more alert states.
• His arms are in motion.  Legs, too.
• Mouth, too.  He will start opening his mouth, moving his tongue around, making sucking  noises.  Your baby can give a hint, too.
• He sucks his hand for comfort (also does it for soothing sometimes, but look for more than one indicator of hunger.  You’ll detect them, Mom)
• Baby’s head might be moving toward you, your chest, your breast.  This is the rooting reflex that helped him find his first meal when he arrived on this planet.
• Timing is key.  Wailing for food is a last-ditch hunger signal.  The good news it that it will get easier to read the early, calmer signs of hunger.

He’s not hungry anymore when:

• He lets go of your breast, and moves his attention on to something else of interest.
• He turns away from your body.
• His body calms down.  The arms are at rest, the breathing is rhythmic.  Peaceful.
• He falls asleep after a long time at the breast.  Not to be confused with those ultra-sleepy new babies who are so tired they don’t show much interest in eating.

The best way to respond quickly and appropriately to your baby’s hunger is to learn the signs, then observe your baby for them.  It is possible to prevent the late-stage hunger signal of extreme crying.  A calmer feeding helps your baby’s digestion by starting him off with a better latch, and filling his tummy with milk, not gulps of air.  When he is calm, he won’t have to spend energy on settling down — he can instead use his free time to gaze up at you, the owner of his favorite face.